


like you want to be loved: buddie first kiss week prompts

by ksmalltalk



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Buddie First Kiss Week 2020, Fluff, M/M, one shots
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-01
Updated: 2020-06-07
Packaged: 2021-03-02 18:09:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 14,526
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24491071
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ksmalltalk/pseuds/ksmalltalk
Summary: collection of prompt responses for #buddiefirstkiss. excited to write about these two fools this week.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 27
Kudos: 192





	1. wild heart

_Well, everything has changed  
And now it’s only you that matters  
I will find any way to your wild heart_

As music blares from speakers both in front of and behind him and bubbles float around, Eddie Diaz realizes just how at peace he can be in madness. Perhaps that isn’t the right word for it, he decides. No, this is unfiltered, pure energy that can only be brought on by people experiencing sheer joy and his body hums along to the frequency of it all.

This is his first time at a Pride march andnow, along with Hen and Buck, he’s actually walking in it with fellow LAFD members. It’s an honor and Eddie is grateful for this family within a family. He knows it’s not a luxury many people are afforded and he doesn’t take that for granted in the slightest.

These people, this crowd, it’s all an extension of a community he hadn’t even realized he belonged to until fairly recently. The pansexual flag in his hand is like a beacon and everyone in the crowd is called home by it and the thousands of bursting colors surrounding them.

“Wild, isn’t it?” Buck says beside him, his hand waving his bisexual flag proudly for the world to see.

“I’ll say.”

It’s a sensory overload in the best way for Eddie. Everywhere he looks there’s someone donning rainbow colors or body paint. He spots a fair number of elaborate costumes with feathers and wings and sequins.

He doesn’t know anything about these people except that there’s a solidarity between each and every individual in attendance. Whatever walk of life they’ve traveled down, it’s led them all to this particular point in time. It’s a beautiful thing, the way they’ve all managed to connect in a single space. It’s easily one of Eddie’s favorite parts about being out here and already he’s looking forward to coming back next year and however many he’s able to attend after that.

Eddie glances over at Hen who is too busy on cloud nine to offer much in the way of conversation as they march. Her happiness is tangible and Eddie pockets some of that glee for himself.

Buck throws his arm around Eddie’s shoulders completely unprompted, catching Eddie off guard. But he can’t say he minds the feeling of Buck’s body pressed against his. There’s a look in Buck’s eyes that Eddie can’t fully identify but it makes him crave the other man to an obscene degree. Buck’s gaze lowers to Eddie’s mouth and back up to his eyes. Eddie isn’t sure what to make of this little exchange and he doesn’t get a chance to parse it.

“Hot firefighters!” someone in the crowd yells out and Buck and Eddie laugh at the random compliment.

“Well, they’re not wrong,” Buck comments, lowering his arm and bumping shoulders with Eddie. It’s such an offhand response but it sends Eddie’s thoughts spiraling.

If Buck thinks he’s attractive, does this mean he actually likes him or is he merely making an observation? There’s a huge difference between the two and Eddie knows which side he hopes Buck belongs to.

Even as Buck interacts with the crowd, Eddie focuses on him, trying to work it out in his head. He tears his eyes away just a beat before Buck turns to face him. It becomes something of a game they play throughout the parade route.

They continue to march past, waving to the throngs of people. Some say words of thanks in passing, others simply cheering them on. Eddie appreciates these snapshots of passerby. It helps to create an even clearer image of the community he’s proud to be a part of.

He looks to Buck one more time, taking in his fitted uniform that leaves nothing to the imagination, showing off every toned muscle. The man is a work of art, he thinks. He admires Buck from a safe distance, taking in the sheer beauty before him. Some days it feels like he’s going to suffocate under the weight of the words he’s been holding back for almost a year. How exactly does one go about telling their best friend that they’re in love with them?

It had taken Eddie time to identify as pan, not having the language for it until little under a year ago. But the moment he learned of the term, something snapped right into place. He knows who he is now and what he wants. There is no turning back.

* * *

Back at the station, Eddie sits on the bumper of one of the firetrucks, his cheeks sore from smiling for hours on end but he welcomes the feeling. It serves as evidence of a day well spent. This day has undeniably been the most impactful he’s had in quite some time. Perhaps even in years, he’d argue, when he stops to think about it. Reflecting on how long he’s gone without having a real name to put to the feelings he’s had was a weight he carried unknowingly. Now he was more sure of his place in the world, in the space he occupied. It’s liberating, to say the least, but there is still one thing Eddie is desperate to get off his chest.

“I thought I missed you,” Buck says and Eddie is pulled from his thoughts, his attention resting fully with Buck. It feels as if he manifested the man into being with the sheer will of thought alone.

He feels a flurry in his stomach at the sight of Buck. He’s got the post-parade high perfectly intact: a wide smile and stray flecks of glitter in his hair and on his otherwise pristine uniform. It’s really unfair just how beautiful Buck is, he thinks. No matter how many times Eddie sees his face, he can never get over it. But more than that, Buck is simply _good_. The world doesn’t have nearly enough good people in it but Buck is undoubtedly one of the brightest spots. How lucky is Eddie to be able to bask in that almost every day?

“Nope, still here,” he replies, finding it difficult to look at Buck just then. There’s so much that sits right on the tip of his tongue and he doesn’t trust himself not to blurt it out.

Buck takes a seat on the bumper right next to him, their shoulders touching. Eddie notes that there’s plenty of space for Buck to sit without them having any contact at all and yet he’s parked himself as close as humanly possible. Eddie wants to believe there’s a reason for that, that Buck feels the pull the same way he does.

“Today was amazing, wasn’t it? God, I freaking love Pride.” Buck’s excitement is just like that of a child. It’s infectious and Eddie wants to soak up as much of it as he can and use it to sustain him.

“I still can’t believe I did that.” Eddie shakes his head. This was monumental for him and he isn’t sure when he’ll ever fully wrap his mind around the fact that he was able to stand so boldly among a crowd and declare himself to the world. The full gravity of that is too much for him to digest in one day.

Buck places his hand on his knee and gives it a light squeeze. All Eddie can do—just short of combusting— is look down at Buck’s hand and force his heart to stay inside his chest.

“Well, you did and you were great out there,” Buck says reassuringly. “It takes guts and not everyone is lucky enough to be so vocal about this stuff. It’s a definite check in the win column.”

There’s another victory Eddie would like to mark off today but he isn’t sure how to bring up what happened between them. Buck’s nonchalant attitude has long since been something he admires but today of all days, he wants nothing more than an outright discussion. It’s just the two of them here, no cheering crowd for miles or camera crews around filming the action.

There’s only this moment now.

He shifts his position slightly, angling his torso to face Buck. “Can we….can I ask about earlier?” he starts, unsure of how to phrase what he’s trying to get at. Buck’s hand is still on his knee. _That has to mean something_.

Eddie exhales sharply and tries again, just letting the words fly and land however they see fit.

“I’m not imagining this thing with us, right?” he asks, gesturing down to where Buck is touching him and between the two of them. “Sometimes I feel like I’m losing my mind thinking you might like me but I can never really tell.” Buck was friendly with everyone; he was so personable that Eddie would argue anyone would have a hard time telling if it’s more than just kindness.

“I hope that you do though because I really like you. I have for a very long time now and it’s—I love being your friend. This has been the greatest friendship I’ve had in years and I don’t want to wreck that but I also can’t sit here and pretend as if I don’t see you as something more.”

He stops short there and clears his throat, looking down.

“Maybe we just got caught up at the parade with all that excitement but for a minute there I thought you might…” The words drop off and fall silent against Buck’s mouth.

It takes a second for Eddie to realize what’s happening, to understand that Buck is ensnaring his lips and with such fervor as if this is something he’s been holding back and finally has an outlet for. Eddie can no longer hear the stream of traffic just a few feet away over the swirling in his mind. He pulls Buck in closer, his hands spreading up the man’s back and holding firm to the fabric to keep him from floating away.

After a few moments they break away and Eddie’s head is a complete riot of thoughts. He stares at Buck in disbelief but Buck only looks back with an easy smile.

“I thought I was making it pretty obvious this whole time that I was into you. Maybe I’m not as smooth as I thought I was, huh.” Eddie stomach tightens at the statement, at the meaning of the words.

“Seriously?” Eddie laughs.

“I’ve liked you since your first day here. I mean, you do remember how I saw you for the first time, right? I don’t think anyone could blame me.” Buck reaches for Eddie’s hand and he’s all too happy to surrender it.

“I never wanted to pressure you or make things awkward,” Buck continues, stroking Eddie’s hand in thought. “And when you came out last year, the first thought I had was a totally selfish one. I remember thinking to myself, ‘so there’s an actual chance here’. But I didn’t want to get in the way of you figuring yourself out so I kept my mouth shut but kept hoping anyway.”

It’s a lot of information for Eddie to process but the bottom line is clear. “Thank you,” he says, leaning in closer. “That means a lot to me but I know where I stand on a lot of things these days…namely when it comes to us.”

The hard part is over. Now there’s just the final plunge.

“I want to be with you, Buck. That’s what I want. You…just you,” Eddie whispers against Buck’s lips. He can feel the man smile before going for seconds. Eddie welcomes it, his arms coming to rest on Buck’s shoulders.

He breathes him in, the salt of his sweat, the natural scent of him. He clings to the warmth of their bodies pressed together. These are things Eddie cannot live without. He kisses Buck vehemently, fingernails scraping lightly against the back of Buck’s head, threading through his hair.

After a few moments Buck pulls back and this, Eddie thinks, is an image he’ll keep in his heart forever. If he thought Buck look overjoyed at the parade it’s nothing in comparison to the sheer elation in his eyes now. _I made that happen_ , he muses a bit cockily to himself. But he can’t help it. Being able to get under Buck’s skin is a crowning achievement and he’ll relish in all that comes from it.

“Not exactly how I saw this day going,” Buck says, an amused look on his face. “But it’s the perfect end to an already incredible day,” he concludes.

Eddie smiles back, emboldened by Buck’s statement and steals one more kiss.

This act is becoming his new favorite pastime.


	2. bloom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> day two prompt: in the moment and/or interrupted

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> song: bloom by the paper kites

_Oh, you fill my lungs with sweetness  
And you fill my head with you  
…….  
Can I be close to you?_

“Can we watch one more?” Chris asks with pleading eyes. It’s almost enough to make Eddie cave but they’ve already pushed past his bedtime forty minutes ago. They’ve just spent hours watching movies together and though it may be Friday night, Eddie doesn’t want to throw off Chris’ schedule any further.

“No dice, my friend, but nice try.”

Buck laughs and ruffles Christopher’s curls as he sits between the two adults. “Solid effort. I think you almost had him there for a second.”

Eddie rolls his eyes playfully to this. Buck and Christopher are the biggest co-conspirators he’s ever met in his life. But it makes him smile and warms his heart each time he sees the two of them interact. They’ve forged an air tight bond that absolutely nothing in the world stands a chance of interfering with.

He leaves the room with Chris and helps him to get ready for bed. They go through the nightly routine, all the way up to Eddie tucking Christopher in and wishing him sweet dreams. When Eddie returns to rejoin Buck, it’s to a tidied living room. All traces of their movie night are removed and Buck is smiling over at him, moving the remote from the couch to the coffee table.

“You didn’t have to clean. I could’ve done that,” he says, sitting down on the couch with a sigh next to Buck who merely shrugs.

“It’s the least I could do. Besides, I’m sure at least half of that mess was mine.”

“Well, thanks. Having an extra set of hands around is pretty great; I appreciate it.”

This week has drained Eddie of every bit of energy. He’s pulled several 24-hour shifts at the station and has had meetings at Chris’ school. He’s exhausted but still trying. His head is constantly spinning but he knows he has to keep it together. There are always expectations and obligations he has to deliver on. His weariness has to take a backseat to all else but he can admit, if only to himself right now, that this week has certainly stretched him pretty thin. Eddie is just grateful he was able to claw his way to the end of it.

“Anytime. I mean that, you know. If you ever need me to watch Chris or something so you can run errands or hell, even get a few hours of sleep, I’m only a call or text away.”

Eddie smiles warmly. It’s strange asking for help but when it’s offered so plainly, it’s hard to resist.

“I just might have to take you up on that one day soon. That kid loves you so much. He talks about you all the time. Buck this, Buck that. You guys are good together. You mean a lot to him.”

This sentiment puts a large smile on Buck’s face and Eddie can practically see the man’s chest swell as he beams with pride. It always amazes Eddie just how effortlessly Buck fit himself into their lives. For a while Eddie had convinced himself that no one ever could and he was okay with that. The idea of it just being him and Chris against the world. They were a winning combo, that much was for certain. But without any prompting or thought, their duo morphed into a trio and there was no going back on that. Eddie was sure that Buck would always be a significant part of his son’s life and that was a fact he was more than content with. Christopher was his entire world and to have a friend who could admire and care for his son in such a genuine way was nothing short of a gift, one he would always be appreciative of.

Buck’s connection to Chris was so instantaneous that Eddie could only sit back at marvel at it. He had to wonder if it wasn’t all fated. What exactly were the odds of moving out to LA, landing himself at the 118, and finding a best friend? Someone that was willing to disarm him, to actually want to be a part of his life, someone who could see the messy bits of him and still see him as a person worth knowing? It was hard not to believe in miracles when he took stock and looked at all the ways he was blessed.

“Aw, man. I love him so much. He’s an incredible kid. The _best_ kid. Is it weird to say I’m proud of you?” Buck laughs, shaking his head. “Yeah, that was probably weird but I stand by it. You’ve done one hell of a job with him, Eddie. You should be so proud of that.”

Something not unlike a switch goes off within him and suddenly Eddie leans forward, his body moving without conferring with his brain. Before he knows it, both hands are on either side of Buck’s face and he’s kissing him with an intensity he didn’t realize he had possessed. It’s rushed and erratic but Eddie doesn’t feel in full control of himself. He pulls back sharply after a moment, ready to apologize when Buck whispers his name and it’s like a bolt of lightning to the straight to the sternum.

Eddie shivers and tries to remember how to breathe.

“Thank you,” he murmurs, stroking Buck’s cheek idly. “You don’t know how badly I needed to hear that.”

Most days Eddie feels like he’s just treading water, doing his best to stay afloat and not get pulled under. His mind is hardly ever at rest and in those rare instances where he isn’t troubled by something, guilt trickles along with mild paranoia that there’s something he should be dwelling on. To hear words of reassurance from someone, especially someone he cares for and respects so much, means more than he could ever find the words to say. So, he relies on his actions to get the point across, however impulsive they might be.

Buck places his hand on Eddie’s wrist, his thumb brushing the skin there in turn as Eddie still cradles his face. The move makes goosebumps break out on Eddie’s arms. It’s baffling just how starved he is for intimacy; even something as simple as a stroke of the skin has him coming undone.

“I’ll be sure to say it more often then because it’s the truth and you should always know it. I think you’re a damn good father, Eddie. I always have.”

Every nagging thought of doubt he’s ever had, every argument he’s been in against his family over what’s best for Christopher, it’s all eclipsed by Buck’s opinion. He feels seen in a way he can barely grasp. All too often he buries what he’s feeling and thinking, deeming it unimportant when there are so many any other aspects to life that take precedent. But now he’s able to set that weight down and allow himself a fair, well-needed reprieve from the constant strain.

Eddie kisses him again, slower this time and Buck easily meets his pace. There’s no need to hurry this along and what Eddie wants more than anything is to prolong this moment as much as he can. His mouth learns the shape of Buck’s effortlessly and his hands follow suit to learn each dip in the man’s torso as they sink back on the couch,

This is heading somewhere Eddie couldn’t have seen coming at the start of the night but he can’t say he’s upset with this final outcome. He’s hungry for more of Buck and from the way the other man is responding to him, it’s perfectly evident that Eddie has free rein to explore to his heart’s content.

He tugs up the hem of Buck’s shirt until the offending fabric is removed. His hands instantly run down from Buck’s chest to his hips. Eddie commits it all to memory, not leaving so much as an inch of skin untouched. Everything about Buck is smooth and sculpted as if he was carved out of marble. Eddie basks in this level of access, his nails scraping up Buck’s sides as his mouth latches onto the pulse point on the man’s neck. He’s unrelenting as he sucks on the Buck’s skin, leaving an angry red mark in his wake. He pulls back ever so slightly to see Buck’s face. Eddie takes stock of the flushed face and swollen lips, the eyes rolled back in pleasure.

Eddie shifts his weight, his legs stretching out behind him. It’s too late to stop his foot from connecting with the lamp, the light fixture tumbling over and crashing to the floor. The sound echoes and the bulb shatters, leaving him and Buck in relative darkness, light spilling in dimly from the dining room.

Eddie’s eyes flash to Buck’s instantly and he can see the bubbling just before Buck lets out a bark of a laugh and Eddie shushes him, putting a finger on his lips and fighting the urge to crack up himself.

“Daddy?” Chris calls out from his room.

This is such a ridiculous scenario to be in, the two of them tangled up on the couch and pawing at each other like horny teenagers. His forehead comes to rest against Buck’s as he tries abysmally to stop himself from laughing aloud. He pulls in a quick breath and gives a joking stern look at Buck who’s making faces at him in attempt to make him crack.

“Yeah, bud, it’s okay. I just knocked over the lamp.” At least it’s not a lie. To Buck he says, “I should go check on him and make sure he’s alright.” He slips his finger off of Buck’s lips and gives him a quick peck before getting up.

He heads down the hall to Chris’ room, pushing open the door and crouching down at his son’s bedside.

“Are you okay? Is Buck?” Chris asks in that soft concerned voice that always tugs at Eddie’s heartstrings.

“We’ve never been better.” The words just spring from his lips, ringing with truth. He skims his fingertips over Chris’ forehead, ruffling the curls that hang there before placing a kiss on top his head. “Get some rest.”

Chris smiles and closes his eyes, already drifting back to the sleep that was interrupted. Eddie stays for a few moments, content in a way he hasn’t been for a very long time because now a weight has been lifted.


	3. shake me down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> prompt: after a fight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> song: shake me down by cage the elephant

_In my past, bittersweet,  
There’s no love between the sheets  
Taste the blood, broken dreams  
Lonely times indeed_

This has been one of the longest, most mentally taxing days Buck has had in a while and somehow it still isn’t over yet. His thoughts remain in a tailspin over not just seeing Abby for the first time in what feels like a lifetime but learning that she’s set to marry someone in a few short months.

Anytime he gets comfortable the universe seems hellbent on turning him inside out. He looks at the text on his phone after showering at the station, Abby asking him to meet her at the lookout spot at the park tomorrow. Buck wishes he was strong enough to ignore her message but he texts back, confirming that he’ll be there. He needs answers, _deserves_ them, he reasons. And finally, Abby is back and clearly willing to have this conversation out. It’s long overdue but Buck is so used to waiting on her that he feels one more night until he gets clarity isn’t so bad. He’s been through much longer gaps with her.

“Can we talk?” Eddie asks, leaning against the lockers. Buck stuffs his phone into his bag and nods.

Things with Eddie got…touchy, to say the least, making his friend yet another person he needs to have a serious conversation with.

“Not here,” Eddie tacks on, glancing over his shoulder. “I’ll meet you at your place soon.”

Buck gets a feeling of foreboding but doesn’t say anything. Whatever conversation the two are set to have isn’t shaping up to be a calm one and he’d much rather just have it all out in private rather than in front of an audience.

He finishes getting dressed and grabs his bag to go. Eddie took off a few minutes before him and try as he might have, Buck couldn’t get a good read on what Eddie was thinking. He knew Eddie was pissed at him, that much was clear from the heavy silence they rode back to the station in. Buck spent a majority of the ride playing back the moment he saw Abby among all the chaos and the realization that dawned in Eddie’s eyes once he caught on to who he was speaking to.

It was strange seeing these two worlds of his colliding—and at a train wreck no less. His past meeting with what he absurdly hoped could be his future.

Buck pushed the thought aside, deeming it too ridiculous to actually invest in believing he stood a chance with Eddie. They were friends. Nothing more. No matter how much a quiet part of him wished it could be different. The main focus now was, most importantly, clearing the air with Eddie once and for all. Buck didn’t like tension if he could avoid it, especially with someone he cared for. Being at odds with Eddie didn’t sit right with him.

He arrives at his apartment complex, spotting Eddie waiting for him by the entrance. Even from a distance he can make out the sharpness of the man’s shoulders, his body language saying so much already. Buck draws in a deep breath before exiting his car and letting the both of them into the building. The silence between them feels like another person standing among them, so present as if it has life. Buck is practically bursting to speak, launching into questioning the second they enter his apartment.

“Why’d you give me up to Bobby like that?” Buck asks, getting straight to it. It’s one of the questions that’s been playing on a loop in his already overcrowded head. Tonight has been a night of revelations and Eddie’s reaction up in the train car came as yet another surprise to him.

“Because you weren’t being honest and he had a right to know,” Eddie quips, heading for the kitchen. “He’s our captain; he should know every dynamic at play. You clearly weren’t going to come out with it so I did.”

“That wasn’t your call to make.” He can hear the steel in his voice. This conversation is already getting ugly. It isn’t what Buck wants necessarily but if they must have it out like this then so be it.

“Oh, come off it, Buck. You don’t see how messed up that is? You’re willing to gamble with your life and you didn’t even have the decency to tell Bobby why?”

“I knew he’d make a big deal of it. You both overreacted,” Buck says.

“ _We_ overreacted. _Us_? Seriously?” Eddie voice is climbing with each word. “You literally put your life on the line tonight, Buck.”

“How is that any different from any other call? Risk is the job. It just so happened that this time it meant saving Abby’s fiancé.”

Eddie lets loose a curse and shakes his head in disdain. “You’re unbelievable, you know that? I know full well what the job is but it went past that tonight and you know it. She’s still got you jumping through hoops after all this time.”

“You don’t even know her,” Buck counters and Eddie scoffs.

“You’re kidding, right? I know everything I need to know about her. You were so hung up after she bailed to go see the world and left you. I saw what that did to you. It tells me everything about her, the kind of person she is.”

Buck shakes his head. “That’s not fair. It didn’t exactly go down like that.”

“Christ, Buck! You’re still so loyal to Abby after everything you just found out tonight? Aren’t you tired of it yet?”

“I can’t just flip a switch and be done with it. Maybe that’s how you’d manage it but that’s not me.” It’s a low blow and he can accept that but Buck stands by it. Eddie has always been good at shutting off his emotions when need be but Buck feels everything so wholly it’s all-consuming.

Eddie looks affronted but he just swallows down the words instead. Buck can see the change of course in his eyes.

“You just keep giving your heart away to people who don’t deserve it and it kills me, Buck. It fucking kills me to see you like that because you deserve better. You deserve more and it’s like you don’t see or get that,” Eddie snaps.

“What does it matter to you anyway? I can make my own choices.”

“Yeah, well, you’re choosing wrong!”

His words echo off the walls. Eddie pinches the bridge of his nose and Buck glares at him, his chest rising and falling heavily. For the life of him he can’t understand why this seems to be grating at Eddie so much. The two have certainly had their differences since they met but their fights have never gotten this volatile, turning into an all-out screaming match. He isn’t used to seeing Eddie lose his cool and it should be enough to steady him but Buck is too furious to back down now.

“I can’t help the fact that I loved her. I have a right to be upset over this, to handle it how I damn well please. You’re my friend—,” he starts.

“We have never been just friends and you fucking know it,” Eddie hits back, cutting him off. Buck can practically see Eddie’s frustration at himself. These weren’t words he was meant to hear, he concludes.

Eddie curses under his breath and starts to pace. He looks like a wild animal and the unease and tension roiling off of him is what finally manages to break through for Buck. His own rage from before is quelled, snuffed out like the swiftness of a blown flame.

He parses Eddie’s statement, feeling himself become far more subdued. His shoulders relax, settling to their normal height as the tension pours out of him. It all just vanishes into thin air because nothing matters anymore except for getting to the bottom of what Eddie just said. He needs to know where the other man is coming from, not wanting to draw conclusions in case it leads them down a path they can never make their way back from.

Buck hates how it feels as if their friendship is hanging by a thread. One tug in the wrong direction could spell disaster, causing a tear that won’t be easy to mend.

It’s evident that Eddie doesn’t have any intentions of following up so Buck bites the bullet and speaks up first.

“What is that supposed to mean?” From the way Eddie’s shoulders crumble, maybe this wasn’t the right question to ask.

“Nothing. I don’t even know why I said that. Do whatever you want. You’re right. It’s your life. Be with whoever you want to be with. Run yourself ragged over whoever you want to. It’s got nothing to do with me; it’s none of my business,” he says, dusting his hands clean.

Buck takes a step towards him but Eddie moves back. Buck can’t tell if it was involuntary or not but either way, it immediately saddens him that Eddie doesn’t want to be any closer to him.

“Eddie,” he begins slowly, unsure of where to even go beyond this point. Luckily Eddie seems to have found his voice again and spares him the task of having to finish his sentence.

“I just—I don’t get you sometimes, Buck. How many times are you going to let this woman hurt you before you realize you’re worth more? There are people out there that would never make you doubt yourself, that would never leave you. But you’re so fixated on her that you won’t give yourself the chance to be loved or to even see what’s been in front of you this whole damn time.”

Eddie turns his face away sharply but not fast enough. Buck can see Eddie’s eyes tearing up and watches as he works to hurriedly dry his cheek after a drop makes it over. It feels like the ground has just been ripped away and Buck is free-falling through space and time.

“Eddie,” he says softly but the other man won’t hear of it.

“It’s fine. You don’t have to say anything, alright? I’ve known all along where your heart was. This shouldn’t even be bothering me,” he concedes. “I’m sorry. I’m gonna go. I shouldn’t have come here in the first place. That was my mistake.” He nods once, more to himself and turns away, heading for the door.

“Hey, stop,” Buck calls out, darting after him. He grabs hold of Eddie’s hand and tugs him closer to him. “Please, can you just hear me out?”

Eddie doesn’t say anything, his eyes refusing to meet with Buck’s. But he stays in place and that’s all the answer Buck needs in that moment.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” he starts out, his voice already cracking. “I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

“For the next five minutes, can you just try focusing on what you feel? Screw my feelings. Screw Abby’s. What do you feel right now?”

Truth be told, Buck feels confused. He’s still grappling with the events of tonight. He was so willing to put himself in danger to keep a promise to Abby. He still feels like he made the right call. Even if Sam hadn’t been set to marry Abby, he’d still want to do everything humanly possible to preserve as many lives as he could. But if he was being completely honest, yes, part of him had prioritized Abby’s fears over his own well-being. He couldn’t shake the look of sheer irritation as Eddie spoke, all but cursing Abby’s name before marching away from him, like he couldn’t stand to be around Buck’s ignorance for a moment longer.

It needled him then and has stuck with him all night. It had felt like Eddie was selling him out but there was far more to it than Buck thought possible. He’s had feelings for Eddie for as long as he can remember, even if at times he did his best not to put a name to what it was exactly. It was safer that way. He’d made investments in the wrong people and had gotten burned before. Abby wrecked him. Buck didn’t think he could stand the disappointment of falling for Eddie knowing it could amount to nothing as well.

He wasn’t so sure he’d be able to come back from that. He was still in the process of putting himself back together after ending things with Abby. But here it was now, a clear declaration from Eddie that he wanted Buck, that he wanted Buck to choose and trust him. There was still so much he needed to work through but he couldn’t leave them at a crossroads tonight. This connection he’d forged with Eddie was far too important to squander.

He touches his forehead to Eddie’s, his right hand cradling the back of the man’s head as he holds him close.

“I didn’t think you wanted me like this so I didn’t even let myself believe it could be a possibility. I’ve been trying to play this smart and I’m tired of getting hurt,” he admits. He knows that he can be candid with Eddie. His thoughts and feelings are always put into consideration and genuinely valued.

“You were right before,” Buck continues, his fingers lightly carding through the hair at the base of Eddie’s neck. This close to him, there’s no denying the influence Buck has on this man. Eddie’s breaths are uneven and the tender expression in his eyes makes Buck’s heart ache.

“I don’t think we’ve ever just been friends, at least not for a while now. Even still, it seemed too crazy to think this wasn’t one-sided so I learned to live with it…the things I feel for you.”

Eddie sighs, his breath fanning against Buck’s face. “And I really do feel a lot for you, Eddie. Maybe even more than I’ve been wanting to admit to myself. I’d be losing twice as much if I lost you.” 

A lover, a best friend. This could be dangerous.

“I get it, believe me I do. But I swear, it would be different with me,” Eddie promises. “Whenever you’re ready…if you’re ever ready, I’m here, Buck.”

The level of certainty in Eddie’s voice quiets all the static in Buck’s head. He wants to take things slow and be rational but he aches to be closer to Eddie now.

He searches Eddie’s glistening eyes before bringing their mouths to meet. It’s a ghost of a kiss at first, a light touch but it turns Buck upside down. Eddie’s hands come to rest on his hips as he deepens the kiss, his fingers digging in and anchoring himself to Buck. Buck can feel the unease in Eddie lift with each passing second. After a moment they break away, Eddie rubbing his hands along Buck’s sides.

“Baby steps?” Buck offers, hoping Eddie is alright with that. As much as he’d love to make a grand sweeping gesture right now, he knows that wouldn’t be fair to either of them. His heart is still fragile and on the mend and he knows that Eddie’s is as well.

“As long as we’re moving together, I’ll wait however long it takes.”


	4. heaven in hiding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> day four prompt: on a dare

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is a college setting au. buck's a sophomore, eddie's a senior.  
> song: heaven in hiding by halsey

_And when you start to feel the rush_  
A crimson headache, aching blush  
And you surrender to the touch, you’ll know

Landing at a party on a Saturday night isn’t uncommon for Buck. What is out of the norm is being here at the exact same time as Eddie Diaz who—surprisingly—has decided to give in to the group asking him to join for seven minutes in heaven as he passed by them.

Buck had come into the room where the others were by chance and has been sitting for a bit, waiting to be paired up. Buck wouldn’t have guessed Eddie would take part but here he is now, squeezing into the cluster. Eddie’s name gets added to the cup, a few rounds go and Buck wonders if it’s even worth it to stay.

“Hmm, let’s see who’s up next. Alright, we’ve got Eddie,” the guy who’s spearheading the game announces, people instantly oohing. Buck sees the way the girls around the circle sit up a bit straighter with rapt attention, eager to see if their name will be picked out of the cup next.

A naïve, foolish part of Buck hopes for the wild possibility of his name being called. What would even happen in a closet with Eddie at a house party? It’s a ridiculous notion but Buck would be lying if he said he hadn’t imagined over a hundred scenarios involving being alone with Eddie since Buck stepped foot on campus in his freshman year.

His crush has become a beast with legs that crawls into his life at inopportune moments. It steals his attention and distracts him, making Eddie all he can think about. Like now, for instance. Buck has been staring absentmindedly at Eddie this whole time and the circle has gone quiet. Eddie is looking at him with an unnameable expression, his eyes squinting slightly as if in thought. Buck jerks back to focus, looking around at everyone else.

“Dude, I called your name,” the kid says. A few people snicker but Buck plays it off with a small shrug of the shoulder and gets up on his feet, same as Eddie who leads the way over to the closet.

Buck tries not to pay attention to what anyone is saying but a girl keeps her eyes on them and he hears her speak to the friend she’s seated next to, “I bet nothing’ll happen.” Buck hates to admit it but a part of him agrees. There’s just no way he’s going to make out with Eddie within the next seven minutes. He’s fairly certain the guy had no clue he even existed until they were paired up a mere moment ago.

From what Buck’s been able to learn over the years, Eddie hasn’t dated much. He’s been in an on-again-off-again relationship with a girl named Shannon but he hasn’t seen her hanging around him as of late. Aside from that, Buck has no clue if Eddie is even interested in guys, if he even stands a chance. It seems far-fetched with his luck but he can’t dwell on that. The most important thing is getting through these next few minutes without making a complete fool of himself. That would be an accomplishment within itself, Buck thinks.

Eddie steps inside and Buck is two paces behind him, closing the door. Just before it shuts, he notes the string for the light and impulsively tugs on it, illuminating the small space.

“Afraid of the dark?” Eddie prompts but Buck doesn’t trust himself to speak. He makes a sound that could pass as a laugh, if not a sharp exhale through the nose.

_Smooth_ , he chides himself. This is his first time being alone with the guy he’s practically been obsessed with for two years and he can’t even manage to say a word or act normal in front of him. It’s strange for Buck to come undone. His typical setting is the exact opposite of this.

Buck busies himself with pulling on the clothes in the closet for something to do that doesn’t involve looking at Eddie Diaz. He’s done more than enough of that over the last two years around campus to the point of absurdity. It’s hard not to notice a guy like him even though Eddie seems oblivious to just how many people actually take notice of him. Eddie’s mysterious and Buck has always lacked the ability to leave anything well enough alone. If he’s intrigued by something, he’ll pursue the path to see where it leads.

However, when it comes to Eddie, he’s a bit more cautious. After all, Eddie is a senior and while Buck has made the rounds with underclassmen without a single complaint from any one of them, this is different. His attractions to people have always been fleeting but with Eddie, it’s been consistent, so much so that Buck has often wondered if he was crazy to be so drawn to someone he had actually never even spoken to before.

Eddie is pretty reclusive. He has a small circle of friends but he’s well-liked by everybody. More than anything Buck has always wanted to break his way into Eddie’s world or at the very least make him take notice. This wasn’t exactly what he had in mind but this uninterrupted time, however how small of a window it may be, is more than he’s been granted in the last two years.

Despite envisioning all the witty and clever things he’d say to win over Eddie’s affections, Buck is coming up short on how to breach a conversation.

“Are we going to stand in silence for the next five minutes or…?” Eddie trails off.

Buck drops the sleeve of a sweater he’s been playing with at once and rubs the back of his neck awkwardly. He can feel his face flush and is immediately filled with embarrassment at how childish he must be coming across to Eddie as right now.

“Sorry, I just thought you’d prefer it that way,” he replies, letting his hand fall to his and standing up a bit straighter. He has a few inches over Eddie, enough to make the other boy look up a bit when he speaks again.

“I don’t mind either way.” Eddie taps the side of his leg. “This must be really strange for you. Sorry you got stuck with me.”

Buck almost snorts ungracefully but stops himself. Eddie eyes him curiously and suddenly Buck feels like he’s been possessed because the next set of words that come tumbling out of his mouth are ones he had absolutely zero intention of ever disclosing to Eddie in any way, shape, or form.

“Honestly? I’ve sort of had a crush on you since my first day of school last year so I don’t mind this at all,” Buck admits, swallowing thickly. He makes this confession to the floor, staring unblinkingly at his shoes. “It’s stupid, I know. Everyone here likes you. Guess there’s nothing new about one more person added to the list.”

He hears Eddie chuckle and looks up then to watch him. Eddie, as always, seems like the picture of cool. He rakes a hand loosely through his hair and Buck’s fingers itch to follow the same path on the other boy’s head.

“If any of you knew what actually went on up here, I don’t think even one of you guys would still like me.”

Buck shakes his head. “I don’t think that’s true. If anything, I think it’d make me like you more…to actually know you and not just this idea I’ve got from bits and pieces. I can tell there’s a lot more to you.”

Eddie doesn’t reply to that and Buck falls silent too, afraid he’s finally crossed the line and said too much.

Buck’s eyes widen as Eddie’s hand cups his cheek. The older boy smiles reassuringly at him before leaning in. Buck freezes for a fraction of a second before his brain and body fall into sync. He kisses Eddie back, their soft lips steady and warm. Every part of Buck melts against Eddie but the other boy is right there, holding him steady and keeping him from simply floating away.

Eddie kisses him deeply, his tongue begging for entry and Buck meets it hungrily. His fingers thread to Eddie’s hair, relishing in the softness and tugging. It earns him a low growl from Eddie that makes Buck’s knees buckle slightly. It’s all too easy for Buck to get lost in this, already addict to the taste and feel of Eddie’s mouth. His hands roam freely over the expanse of Eddie’s back and shoulders. This is beyond what he ever imagined.

Eddie breaks away first and Buck’s eyes are still closed for a beat before he opens them again and stares at the other boy.

“You didn’t have to do that,” Buck notes, touching his palm to his forehead. “I mean, not that I minded. Like at all. That was great. You’re great. I just—I know this was a dare and it probably means nothing to you but—”

Eddie silences him with a gentle hand on the shoulder. “You’re really cute, you know that?” Buck groans and Eddie laughs. “Is it still considered a dare if it’s something I’ve wanted to do on my own?”

Buck’s just about to open his mouth when the door is pulled back. It was so effortless to tune out the rest of the party, the rest of the world for that matter, and get lost in this little corner of it with Eddie.

“Alright, time’s up. You guys are free,” some faceless guy announces to them. Buck doesn’t even bother offering a glance in the kid’s direction. All he can pay attention to his Eddie’s tongue as he licks his own bottom lip, already clinging desperately to the memory of it working against his, the feel his Eddie’s mouth on his.

What Buck wouldn’t give for one more minute.

Eddie moves his hand and Buck immediately misses the weight of it; he has to stop himself from frowning at the lack of touch. All he wants is to finish this conversation. What exactly did Eddie mean? Was it simply tonight that prompted him to want to kiss Buck? Or has it been a longstanding desire?

“See you around?” Eddie says to him, maintaining eye contact. It feels like he’s trying to tell Buck something, that there’s the chance of this happening again in the future. The thought is both exciting and terrifying. He would jump at any chance to be close to Eddie again, certainly, but to hope for such a thing if it’s not actually a viable option gives him pause.

Buck fights the ridiculous urge to pull him back, to keep him a little while longer. Seven minutes weren’t nearly enough and he feels robbed of what could have been if they’d only had a bit more time.

He lets loose a breath and nods, doing his best not to seem too down and out.

“Yeah. Yeah, I’ll see you,” he replies.

“I’m holding you to it,” Eddie says simply with a small smile before slipping back into the crowd.

Buck decides he can live with that promise of to be continued.


	5. fade into you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> prompt: hot & sexy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> song: fade into you by sam palladio & clare bown (nashville cast soundtrack)  
> i hope you guys are digging these!

_In your heart, in your head, in your arms, in your bed,  
Under your skin  
‘Til there’s no way to know where you end  
And where I begin…_

Eddie’s not used to losing control. One of the things he prides himself on most is his ability to keep a level head and his wits about him. He’s always the voice of reason, the cautious one in virtually any situation. He can be counted on for that. To know when to set limits and not get too carried away. But those rules are extremely hard to abide by whenever he finds himself around Evan Buckley. With this man it’s all too easy to imagine throwing caution to the wind and acting on instincts he’s long since repressed.

It’s been far too long since someone’s worked their way into his mind like this. It’d be unnerving if Eddie weren’t so intrigued by it.

The team is out for the night, taking to their usual bar for Friday night drinks. It hasn’t been a practically stressful week which is rare enough that it warrants a celebration of some kind. Bobby’s ordered the latest round for the table and everyone’s joined in conversation but Eddie can’t focus for too long on what it is Chimney’s saying right now.

He’s sitting across from Buck at the table, taking notice to Buck’s lips each time they wrap around his beer bottle, imaging what it’d be like other places. This is dangerous territory to go traipsing through, especially around other people. But still, the thought bubbles up unbidden at an inconvenient time. He only realizes he’s staring too long when Buck catches his eyes and cocks his head ever so slightly to the side, face pensive.

Emboldened, Eddie holds his stare for a moment longer before turning his attention to the conversation the rest of the table is having. He’s missed this last half thanks to the distraction across from him but he feigns interest, trying not to buckle under the set of eyes he feels are still locked onto him.

There’s an unspoken tension in the air but Eddie worries it’s only being felt on his side. It would just be his luck that he was making something out of nothing or mistaking Buck’s gaze as something flirtatious.

“Bathroom break,” Buck announces but his eyes catch onto Eddie’s for the briefest of moments. As he passes, he brushes against Eddie’s arm.

This small bit of contact gets his heart racing. He’s feels more like a live wire than a person when he’s around Buck and now he’s getting confirmation that Buck is aware of this fact. This isn’t information that he knows what to do with. Instinct is telling him to follow after Buck and go at it in the bathroom but sound logic and reasoning is telling him to stay right where he is. He’s supposed to be a practical person but his desires are warring with that concept. It’s too much for him to make heads or tails of so Eddie falls back on plan C.

Eddie stands up and excuses himself from the table, suddenly in need of fresh air; the bar feels too constricting with everyone together and his mind racing the way that it is. He steps outside and sucks in a deep breath before exhaling sharply. It’s as if he can’t get in air fast enough to clear his head. He walks to the corner of the building, just at the mouth of the alleyway beside the bar. Eddie tips his head back against the brick wall and closes his eyes, his hands tucked into his front pockets.

He knows he’s being ridiculous. There’s no reason he should be getting riled up because of Buck. This crush, attraction, whatever it is can only be described as foolish. He and Buck have a good friendship. Potentially wrecking that because of hormones would be senseless but it’s far easier said than done to ignore the way his body always aches to be closer to Buck.

“Room for one more out here?”

Eddie turns his head and of course, there’s Buck walking towards him. Sauntering really, his long legs graceful, strong, and fitted perfectly in denim. Eddie tries and fails not to notice. It just isn’t fair for one person to be so attractive, especially when they’re doing something as basic as walking. But Buck just naturally has this air to him that clouds the minds of those who aren’t able to resist his charm.

Unfortunately for Eddie, he’s top of that list.

“I guess I could let you stay,” he replies, trying his best to keep things light. It’s no easy feat because as Buck draws nearer and comes to a stop right beside him, he has to fight off the urge to grab the other man and kiss him.

“Please, as if you aren’t thrilled to see me.”

Eddie looks up at Buck, at the cocky smirk on his pink lips and the challenge in his eyes. _Bastard_.

“What makes you say that? I was good out here all by myself.”

It’s a total lie and it rings false in his own ears. Judging by Buck’s lifted brow, he isn’t fooled by it either. It’s easier to play dumb than it is to say outright that Buck has been driving him crazy all night. For years, actually. There are certain things you can’t talk about but Eddie is starting to wonder what the real harm could be. There’s no denying the fact that Buck has been playing this little game with him, the two sparring non-verbally the entire time they were in the bar. And the very fact that Buck has singled him out and approached him just now is telling within itself.

“Sorry, are you not the same guy who was staring at me that whole time in there,” he asks, jutting his thumb towards the bar’s side. “Because I could’ve sworn that was you. Unless you’ve got a twin running around loose I should know about.”

“You’re such a little shit sometimes, I swear,” he muses, holding Buck’s gaze.

“I know. It’s one of the reasons you’re so into me. Isn’t it?”

Eddie adjusts himself against the wall, squaring his shoulders and turning his face, staring straight ahead. Something about hearing it so bluntly from Buck’s mouth is sobering and for a moment, he wonders if he’s taking this too far.

“I’m not making that up, right?” Buck presses, standing now directly in front of Eddie, giving him no other option but to actually look at Buck. They don’t say anything for a while but in that heavy silence, he can hear Buck daring him to make a move. Eddie reaches out both hands and hooks his index fingers through Buck’s belt loops and tugs him closer until their hips are pressed together. Buck’s eyes journey down to Eddie’s mouth and back up again to his eyes.

Eddie leans in nice and slow to Buck’s face and traps his lips with his. He kisses him deeply for a few seconds before breaking it and biting Buck’s lower lip, pulling away with a tug.

“No, this is happening,” Eddie replies.

He flips their position, pushing Buck back against the wall, greedy hands exploring and grabbing at whatever bit of him he can stake a claim to. He feels feral, ravenous but Buck is compliant as ever, only able to offer moans and gasps as Eddie touches him. How long has it been since he first fantasized about having Buck to himself like this? He’s almost embarrassed to count the long stretches of months, noting that he’s wanted Buck since the first day he met him and it’s been agony ever since.

“Eddie,” Buck exhales and the rasped tone makes Eddie’s hips snap forward of their own volition. “Shit,” Buck hisses, his hands grabbing at Eddie’s ass.

They stumble further into the alleyway, gaining some semblance of furthered privacy. They’re quite the sight of four tangled legs and arms moving in tandem. Eddie feels as reckless as a teenager now, pawing at Buck but nothing short of a second coming of Christ could tear him away from Buck right now. His mouth journeys along Buck’s jaw and down the length of his neck, nipping and kissing the skin as he goes.

“I want you,” Eddie pants, his voice unrecognizable even to him, thick with desire. He can feel the vibration of Buck’s chuckle against his lips.

“You hide it so well.”

Eddie shuts him up with yet another deep kiss, his tongue working its way into Buck’s mouth. He tastes Buck’s beers and his own whiskey. The combination makes his head spin. There’s nothing but frantic breaths between them and needy hands that clamor for more, more, more. And somehow, it’s still not enough. Eddie feels like he’s living outside of himself; his mind is completely gone. It’s as if he could crawl inside of Buck and stay there forever. Now that he as this access to Buck, Eddie cannot see himself ever reverting back to the way things once were. This is his for the taking and he won’t let it go, not for anything or anyone. It doesn’t matter how many people have come before him that gained the knowledge of Buck’s taste because no one will ever be able to have it in the future but him.

Eddie pulls away to catch his breath, only able to do so for a few seconds before Buck pulls him back in, the man’s arm wrapping around his neck to drag him nearer still. Eddie feels delirious and it’s such an addictive feeling he can’t imagine returning to moments when Buck’s lips aren’t on his. His hands slide up under the front of Buck’s t-shirt. He instantly feels the man’s muscles contract under his touch, Buck’s body shivering. Eddie is almost stunned by the influence he’s having over Buck now but he’s all too eager to experiment and see what other reactions he can claw out of him. His hand takes a slow course down from Buck’s chest down to his hips. Eddie’s hand reaches further, grasping Buck who lets out a deep sigh. Eddie smirks to himself as the man’s breath fans his face. Buck’s eyes are so dark and hungry, locked perfectly onto Eddie’s before he lunges for another kiss.

“Did they seriously leave?” Eddie hears Hen say, punching a hole in the bubble he’s been in with Buck.

Eddie pulls away from him, both their heads snapping towards the street and listening intently. Eddie’s struggling to breathe evenly, Buck facing the same challenge.

“Uh, yup, looks like it to me,” Chim replies. “Ah, well, we’ll see ‘em soon enough. Those chumps. They could’ve at least said goodbye.”

Eddie and Buck stay still, both of them keeping a watchful eye on the entry to the alleyway to see if they’ll pass their way. Eddie hears the shuffling of feet heading in the opposite direction, their friends’ voices fading with it, and sighs in relief. He looks back to Buck, a self-satisfied smirk on his face.

“I think a change of scenery is in order, yeah?”

Buck nods enthusiastically, pecking Eddie’s lips a few times.

“Couldn’t resist,” Buck says.

“Don’t worry. You won’t have to for the rest of the night. Let’s go.”


	6. map of the world

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> prompt: with an audience

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> song: map of the world by city and colour  
> this is a soldier!eddie au

_The current of life pulled me under  
And I was swept away   
Expanding the distance between us   
Every second to every day_

Try as he might’ve, Eddie can’t stop his knee from bouncing up and down throughout the entire flight home. He’s sick to his stomach with nerves and excitement. Such a combination makes Eddie feel proud of himself for getting to LA without heaving. Small victories; he’ll take whatever he can to feel reassured today. It’s absurd, he keeps telling himself, to feel so worked up. After all, he was coming home for good now. But what he fears most is how he’ll re-acclimate himself. He’s heard countless stories of soldiers returning back to civilian life and finding it difficult to find their place among people who didn’t know the first thing about active duty, who could only guess at the things he’s seen, whose imaginations completely paled in comparison to the reality he’s lived through on each tour.

Eddie reminds himself of what he is returning home to: a son he couldn’t imagine living without and now, a clear path to watching his remarkable child grow undoubtedly into an extraordinary man in the coming years. He has a family that was willing to hold him down while he went off to serve, who cared for him so deeply they didn’t hesitate to take his son in while he was gone. He has a best friend who he values so greatly; someone he can turn to at a moment’s notice and share even his most private thoughts—though he can admit there’s one secret he’s sure he’ll never be able to share.

Eddie casts that last musing aside, determined instead to focus on the good of the situation. Finally, he’ll be reunited with the people in his life. He’ll be able to actually see and feel them and not as pixelated images on a screen but as real life, three dimensional beings that he has every intention of clinging to the moment he lays eyes on them.

He sinks back in his seat as the captain announces they’ll be touching down momentarily. Mere minutes are all separate him from the people he loves and a sense of semblance now, not an ocean.

* * *

The first thing Eddie’s eyes land on when he makes it out of the gate are the colorful balloons wrapped by their string around his son’s wrist and sign scrawled in Christopher’s handwriting, the boy himself held up in Buck’s strong arms. He can’t help the fresh hot tears that go racing down his face as a result. The look of sheer elation on Christopher’s face is almost too much for him to bear but still, Eddie’s legs propel him forward, Buck drawing nearer in kind.

“Daddy!” Chris calls out with the lack of regard only a child is capable of and able to get away with.

Everyone in the space snaps their heads at the sound, a few people taking out their phones and recording the scene playing out before them. But Eddie doesn’t focus on a single phone aimed at him. He’s tossing his rucksack to the ground, his arms already spread open and wrapping around Chris. He scoops him out of Buck’s arms and breaks down on the spot, clutching his son and kissing him all over his head and face as they sink to the ground.

“God, I’ve missed you, kid,” Eddie murmurs in his ear, squeezing him against his chest like he’s a prized item. Eddie supposes there’s real truth in that. Nothing is as precious to him as his son.

“I missed you too. I’m happy you’re home now. There’s so much I want to show you.”

Eddie swallows the lump in his throat. “I can’t wait to see it all.” Finally, he releases Chris but not before framing the boy’s face in his hands, kissing him on the forehead and breathing him in, his eyes closing. He smells just the same as he remembered and Eddie counts that as another small victory. Not everything has changed in his absence.

He looks up and sees Buck beaming at the sight of them embracing. There are tears in Buck’s eyes and he makes no effort to wipe them away, even as the run in messy rivulets down his flushed cheeks.

“I’m telling you. These reunions turn me into such sap all the time,” he laughs.

Eddie releases Chris and stands up, facing Buck head on. They both stay quiet for a second before Buck breaks first and hugs him. Eddie can feel the first tremor in Buck’s shoulders before his best friend is truly crying in earnest. Eddie buries his face in Buck’s neck and rubs his back, giving in as well to the emotion he’s feeling and crying too.

“I’m so glad you’re okay. Shit, Eddie. I’ve missed the hell out of you. I love you, man. I really do.”

The lump in Eddie’s throat feels so constricting, as if he could just choke right then and there. He knows what Buck means when he says he loves him. And truly, that means the absolute world to Eddie, but he’d be lying if he said he didn’t wish that the love Buck felt wasn’t brotherly or platonic. So many nights overseas made Eddie long for Buck. It was terrifying to imagine never being able to tell his friend how he truly felt about him. Now, faced with Buck in real time, the words are trying to claw their way out.

“I love you, too,” he replies, praying that Buck picks up on the full weight of what those words actually mean coming from his end. He gives Buck one last squeeze and pulls back to look at him.

Buck avoids his gaze and Eddie’s brows furrow in confusion. He places his hand on Buck’s cheek and notes the way the man’s eyes flutter shut at his touch. There’s a tenderness there that makes Eddie’s heart ache painfully. _He’s so beautiful_ , Eddie thinks. It’s a thought he constantly finds himself circling back to any time he thinks about his best friend. It’s the first observation anyone would make after taking one glance at him. But it’d only be confirmed further by spending more time in his company. Luckily for Eddie, he’s known this man for years and he still somehow manages to be impressed by Buck’s good heart.

“What’s wrong?” he asks, willing Buck to look at him. Finally, after a few seconds, he does.

“Nothing. I’m, uh, I’m just really, really happy you’re home. Chris and I have missed you like crazy. Your family, all of us. It’s good to see you…to have you home for good now.”

Eddie isn’t so sure he believes that’s the full truth but he lets the matter drop for the time being. His thumb strokes Buck’s cheek, wiping away the track of tears there. Eddie swears that he sees Buck suck in a breath but he’s not exactly certain it’s because of his touch. For all he knows, Buck is just trying to steady his breaths. Eddie leans in and gives Buck one more hug, his hand smoothing against his back before pulling away.

There’s so much Eddie wants to say but he settles instead on something more arbitrary to allow the moment to pass.

“We should probably clear out of here.” Buck nods in agreement, wiping at the other side of his face Eddie hadn’t cleared away. He takes the sign from Chris and rolls it up to carry more easily.

Eddie bends down and picks up his bag, carrying it on one shoulder and placing his other hand atop Chris’ head. The three of them make their way through the airport and head over to baggage claim. A few people turn their attention on them as they pass by, perfectly good strangers smiling at Eddie clad in his gear with the world’s most adorable kid sandwiched between him and Buck. Part of him wonders what the trio must look like to them. Like a family, he supposes, and he believes they would be correct in that assessment; that’s exactly what he’s forged for himself here and Eddie is extremely proud of that.

Once they arrive at baggage claim, they all keep their eyes on the conveyor belt, watching the carousel of luggage snake their way through for their owners to nab.

“How many countries do you think these bags have been to?” Chris asks.

Eddie and Buck laugh but give serious thought to the answer. Eddie adds this to the list of things he’s missed about being with Chris. Random, insightful questions were never in short supply with him and his son is making good on posing them already.

“I don’t know,” Eddie says honestly. “But how cool would it be if they could tell us all the places they’ve seen?”

This makes Chris laugh and the sound rings, infectious as ever. “I’d like to hear those stories. It’d be nice to go a bunch of places.”

Eddie crouches down in front of Chris and hugs him again. He can already tell this is going to be the theme of the day. Maybe even the next few weeks.

“I promise, we’re going to see so many places together.”

“Is Buck going to come too?”

Eddie looks up at Buck who does a poor job of pretending he isn’t listening as he continues to keep watch for Eddie’s bag.

“I sure hope so,” Eddie replies, glancing back at Chris who gives him a wide smile. “I’d love it if Buck could be there for all our adventures.”

He stands up again and settles in next to Buck, the two shoulder to shoulder. Eddie tries to read Buck’s expression but it’s difficult to do from a side angle, his eyes straining to catch even the faintest bit of Buck’s expression but to no avail.

Buck steps forward and grabs Eddie’s bag for him, his hand briefly bumping against Eddie’s own. Eddie’s eyes roam over the chord of muscles in Buck’s arm and rove over his frame as a whole. Simple tasks always look remarkable when Buck’s doing them. Eddie draws in a breath and lets it out, clearing his throat. The sound catches Buck’s attention who just offers Eddie a small smile. There’s a sadness to Buck that doesn’t sit well with Eddie.

“Tell me what’s wrong,” he says as they start to walk away from the baggage claim area to make their exit.

Buck shakes his head but Eddie can’t let the matter go, not this time. “Buck, you know you can talk to me about anything.”

Eddie watches as Buck shakes his head again and looks over at Chris who has now stopped to window shop at one of the airport’s store displays, looking at the plush toys in the window and other paraphernalia brandished with the city’s name.

“Did you really mean that? What you said to Chris just before?”

“Of course I did. You’re family, Buck. You mean so much to us.”

Buck considers this, nodding to himself and Eddie remains quiet, trying to understand and gauge where Buck’s train of thought is heading now. They’re usually always so in sync with one another but Buck’s body language leaves Eddie with more questions than answers.

“What do I mean to you?” Bucks asks, staring intently.

This question catches Eddie off guard but his answer comes easily all the same.

“Everything.”

Buck leans forward and ensnares Eddie’s lips with his own. The bag on Eddie’s shoulder slips and falls to the ground but it’s quite honestly the last thing he’s thinking about now. Right here in front of people from all over the world, Evan Buckley is kissing him and that is the only thing his brain is capable of processing. Eddie kisses him back hungrily, his hands shaking with adrenaline as he touches Buck’s face but it’s alright because Buck is trembling too.

They break away after a moment, their foreheads touching as they stay quiet. Eddie’s mind is racing and he can’t steady his hands but one look into Buck’s eyes quells any concerns that spring to mind. A smile breaks across Buck’s face and all Eddie can think of is sunrise, the beginning of a new day.

This is the start of something and Eddie is looking forward to where this new path will lead them.

“Let’s get you home,” Buck whispers.

“I’m already there.”


	7. i loved you first

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> prompt: free day, author's choice  
> song: i loved you first by joan
> 
> buck has a hard time seeing the first guy he's ever loved move on with someone new.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i just came across this song last night and it struck me with a buddie vibe. 
> 
> thank you all so much for rocking with these stories all week. it's been such a blast and i truly appreciate you taking the time out to read my work. as always, you can catch me on tumblr @terryjeffordss

_If I could be honest  
I feel like I’m losing you  
Do you even notice? Yeah  
How perfect I am for you?_

Buck has heard every adage about jealousy but that in no way lessens the sheer force of the blow when he hears Eddie talk about an upcoming date. It’s not his place to get upset, he knows this. And yet still, all he can do is sit there with a fake smile plastered on his face and congratulate his best friend on taking one giant step away from him. This is all headed in the wrong direction but Buck has no real way of steering Eddie back, of bringing him to shore.

The longer he stews over it, the more he knows that this is all his fault. That realization is a sobering thought but it’s an ugly truth he can’t hide from. After all, he’s the one that failed to make something more of their relationship when he had the chance. He’s the one that wouldn’t let old habits die in favor of starting something concrete and real with Eddie last year when the two confessed that their friendship was something more. Foolish and young, he opted out of taking that next step. Buck 1.0 was a formidable being who Buck’s logical side was no match for. In the end, he chose to stick to friendship instead. The last few months have been spent with Buck regretting that decision every day and dreading the moment when Eddie found someone new.

He knew this would eventually happen. Eddie’s too good of a guy to not end up with someone. But Buck, like so many people in life, believed he would have more time. _I’ll tell him soon_ became a mantra Buck would repeat to himself until the words lost all meaning. This was it now. The day he was dreading most of all.

_I’ve got a date Friday night._

Those words are going to be the death of him.

* * *

A month has come and gone since that night Eddie revealed his plans with Ana and Buck has made himself pretty scarce. It wasn’t intentional, per se, but coming around to Eddie’s place as often or talking on the phone regularly got reduced. It was simply a byproduct of his friend being in a relationship. His time and attention had to go elsewhere. But when Buck had gotten a text earlier from Eddie asking him to come over, he’s been more than ready to head over. What he hadn’t expected was the news Eddie had to share.

“So, you guys are done then?” Buck asks, his tone neutral.

Eddie shrugs and sighs. “Yeah, it just wasn’t working out. I don’t know. It’s alright though. I don’t know if my heart was ever really in it. At least not as much as it should have been.”

“What do you mean by that?”

Eddie frowns and casts his eyes down, focusing solely on cleaning the countertop and shrugging. “She was great. Funny and beautiful, obviously really smart. But I kept waiting to feel…something bigger.” His brows furrow. “I don’t know how to explain it but we don’t have to get into it, alright?”

Buck closes his mouth and holds up his hands in mock surrender. “Alright.” He takes a long pull from his beer bottle and sets it back down again. Eddie’s moves to the kitchen sink, shoulders hunched over as he grips the edge of the counter. He stays there for a few minutes and Buck watches in silence until he stands up straight again. Only then does Buck speak up. Anyone could see there’s something wrong and as usual, Eddie is doing all that he can to bury it.

“Eddie, come on. Please?”

Eddie turns back to face him, his features pinched before he leaves out of the kitchen without another word. Buck is taken aback and follows after him to the living room where Eddie is pacing the length of the space.

“I can’t talk to you about this, okay?”

“We’re supposed to be best friends. I thought that made me the person you could talk to about anything.”

Eddie lets out a humorless laugh and stops in his tracks. “Yeah, I used to think that too.”

“Which part? That we’re friends or that we could talk?” Either answer isn’t a good one, Buck thinks, but he’d like to know where it is exactly that Eddie stands right now.

“I—I don’t know what I’m saying. This last month or so, things haven’t felt the same between us, at least not to me. I keep thinking that I did something wrong.”

Buck shakes his head. “No, god, no. I’ve been off. I’ve been….bitter and distant. Jealous. And that wasn’t fair to you.”

A look of dawning washes over Eddie’s face but he still looks a bit skeptical, as if he doesn’t trust the conclusion he’s reaching. To eliminate any doubt, Buck drives the point home.

“I’m still in love with you. I should have said something sooner. I know that. I know that and I’m sorry, Eddie. But I’m saying something now. It probably doesn’t count for anything but it’s the truth.”

Eddie sits down on the couch and buries his face in his hands, his shoulders raised and tense like he’s furthering to shield himself. Buck is afraid of getting too close but he pushes the notion aside. That’s what landed them in this mess in the first place. He crouches down in front of Eddie, placing both hands on the man’s knees and lightly brushing his thumbs across the surface.

“Don’t,” Eddie cautions. Buck’s hands still and he pulls them back, unsure of how to bring comfort to Eddie now when he’s the reason for the pain.

“I’m sorry for everything. I’m sorry I messed up last year. I’m sorry I waited until now. I’m sorry. I’m so damn sorry, you have no idea. I just love you so much. I had to say something.”

“Did you?” Eddie asks, his head finally lifting. Buck doesn’t like what he sees. The anguished expression on Eddie’s face is enough to destroy him from the inside out. Eddie’s tear-stained cheeks and reddened eyes are unrelenting as they hold Buck’s stare. “Did you have to say something?”

Buck opens his mouth to speak but all that comes out is air. Maybe Eddie’s right and they would have been better off with this left unsaid. He swallows the lump in his throat. Part of him wonders if he should just quit now, pack it all up, and let it go. Judging from the hurt radiating off of Eddie, he’s already done more damage than he could have thought possible. But Buck is so sick and tired of running scared from the feelings he has towards his best friend. The time for bold action is long overdue. This is the most selfish thing Buck has ever done, he’s well aware, but that does nothing to change his resolve. It’s past time he rights all the wrongs he’s done since last year.

“I did because I can’t keep living a lie. I’m not saying you have to choose me, of course not. It’s completely your choice but I need you to know all your options.” Buck stops and wipes at his face. “I don’t want to lose you. Maybe I already have after today, I don’t know.”

Buck feels sick to his stomach. His hands are trembling but he finds it within himself to keep talking. He reasons that so long as words are being exchanged, there’s still a fighting chance that they’ll be able to claw their way out of this darkness and into the light. Whatever lays on the other side is still a mystery but Buck figures anything has to be better than this. Some type of resolution beats tensions any day. In an ideal world, he and Eddie would end up together. At this point, however, Buck would just be grateful to still have his friend.

Buck shifts and takes a seat beside Eddie. He wants so badly to hold the man’s hand but he stops himself from reaching out physically just then. Instead he relies on his words to mend the gap.

“Were you happy with her?” he asks, casting the question out like a fishing line. He has no idea what he’ll reel but he reasons it’s in his best interest to test the waters regardless.

Eddie stays quiet but Buck can tell he’s merely thinking from the way the bit of skin between Eddie’s brows tighten.

“I was content. It was just nice.”

Buck isn’t sure what to do with that information but Eddie continues before he has to ask for clarification.

“It was all perfectly fine. And I should be okay with that. I should be happy to have something simple and good. But all I could think about was that it felt too nice. Too easy. Maybe there’s something wrong with me for that. But I don’t want something that’s just fine.”

“You don’t want to settle,” Buck offers, glancing at Eddie’s hands. The man is wringing them together as if they’re a soaked towel he’s trying to relieve. It makes him anxious being around this type of energy. Without a thought he places one hand over Eddie’s to settle them. Eddie shudders and stops, his eyes flicking from their hands to Buck’s face.

“I don’t want to settle.”

Eddie turns back to look at their hands but Buck keeps his attention focused on the man’s face. More than anything he wishes he could peer inside Eddie’s mind. He’s always so guarded and Buck can tell there are things he isn’t sharing now. Eddie turns over one of his hands and slips his fingers through Buck’s. It’s a simple act but in this context, it speaks volumes. Buck can feel his eyes filling up, his breathing growing a bit deeper. He feels bold and unable to stop himself from speaking.

“Then don’t.”

It’s not so much a challenge as it is assurance, confirmation that Buck is a safe place for Eddie to land should he choose to take that leap of faith. Buck gives Eddie’s hand a light squeeze and rests his head against the man’s shoulder.

“Why did you wait so long to say something?” Eddie asks after a moment.

This is a question Buck himself has wrestled with for months now and he’s come up with a short list of reasons. Their ranking varies from day to day but the core elements stay the same so he rattles them off one by one.

“I was stupid. I didn’t think you’d forgive me. I thought we’d have more time. I didn’t think I deserved a second chance. You deserved to be happy, even if it wasn’t with me. I lost the right to say anything; I forfeited the second I hesitated to choose you.” Buck licks his lips and sighs. “I’ll never regret anything more, even if I live to be 100. I took what we had for granted because I was an idiot who got scared of such a big feeling.”

Buck sits up and searches Eddie’s eyes, his heart breaking at the sight of Eddie crying silently. It takes a lot for Eddie to be this vulnerable and it kills Buck to know he’s the reason for all of this. But he promises himself right then and there that he’ll do everything in his power from here on out to make sure Eddie never has this look on his face again. All he’s ever wanted was to secure Eddie’s happiness. Everything else is secondary.

Eddie leans forward and kisses Buck’s forehead. It’s such an unexpected move that Buck is stunned momentarily. His eyes close and he tightens his hold on Eddie’s hand. When he reopens them, Eddie is right there looking at him with a calm expression.

“You really love me, don’t you?” Eddie says.

“It’s all I can think about every day.” Buck laughs lightly, a bit embarrassed but he continues. “I never stopped, even when we agreed to just be friends…I never got over it. I don’t think I ever will and I don’t want to.”

A small smile touches Eddie’s lip and, faint as it may be, it seems to brighten up his whole face. Buck is grateful for it, this little sign that they’re making it through this trench together.

“I don’t want you to either. That’s the last thing I want.”

It’s too much now for Buck to sit idly by. He leans in slowly to Eddie, giving him ample time to pull away or stop him somehow if this isn’t what he wants. But all Buck is met with is a pleading look in Eddie’s eyes and parted lips that are an open invitation for his. Buck keeps the kiss slow and easy, his free hand holding the back of Eddie’s neck gently. Knowing that he could’ve had moments like this for a year now isn’t lost on him but he can’t focus on the what could have been of it all. There’s only here, right now, and the promise of a future. Buck’s lips keep time with Eddie’s perfectly like a metronome, the two of them finding a perfect balance like always. Eddie pulls away first but Buck still maintains his hold, his thumb stroking the back of Eddie’s neck.

“We’ll figure this whole thing out in time,” he promises.


End file.
